Is it normal to be terrified of birth? (And other common anxieties of pregnant women)
This week I was really saddened by a post I saw in a Facebook group for expectant moms, in which a woman who was about 12 weeks pregnant asked if it was ‘normal’ to feel terrified of pregnancy and birth.
It wasn’t her question that surprised me. Many, many women (and men, for that matter) can simultaneously long for a baby, and feel thrilled when they learn they’re pregnant, yet feel incredibly anxious about the bit where you actually have to get the baby out. No, it wasn’t the question that bothered me; what I was saddened by was the response from other women in this group – stark statements like ‘you can’t imagine the pain until you experience it’, ‘labor is terrible, but you will get through’ (gee, thanks), and ‘don’t waste time worrying about the birth because you have absolutely no control over what happens!’
I’m sure none of these responses were intended to scare; more likely these women were seeking to reassure that the anxiety the poster was experiencing was common, shared by others, and that she would be ok in the end. But as someone who is an avid advocate of positive pregnancy and birth (values based on first-hand experience, and deepened through supporting many expectant couples to have their own empowering birth experiences), it didn’t stop the steam coming out of my ears as I scrolled through the comments.
Here’s what I would say in response to some of the common anxieties about pregnancy and birth that surfaced in that discussion:
1. Is it normal….to be terrified of birth?
Yes – totally normal! But it’s also absolutely not your fault. You’ve had years of listening to people talk about the pain, the exhaustion, and perhaps the indignity of birth. You may well associate the hospital setting where you will likely have your baby with being sick, discomfort, and suffering. And it’s likely that the closest you’ve come to witnessing birth is on something like Grey’s Anatomy or Friends, where accounts of birth are hugely hyped for dramatic or comedic effect. Is it any wonder you’re feeling scared when this is all you know about birth so far?
2. Is it normal….to want to slap someone who suggests I get over my fear by watching birth videos?
Yes – see above! If all you’ve been fed about birth to date is traumatic and undignified, is it any wonder you don’t want to see more of it?! But the truth is, absorbing positive accounts of birth IS a great way of shifting the expectations you have and retraining your mind to view birth much more positively. And if you can do that, you can effect an amazing impact on your body’s response during labor. If you’re not ready to watch birth videos at the moment, start by reading positive birth stories (The Calm Birth School blog has tons of them!) and listening to podcasts like The Birth Hour and Birth Stories in Color.
3. Is it normal….to want all the drugs?
Yes! (Notice a pattern here?!) Again, it all comes down to how we’ve been conditioned to think about birth over many years. We’re lucky in modern, Western society to have access to lots of pain relief options and, for lots of women, accepting the drugs is the right call for them. What’s important is to understand what the choices are, what the impact of choosing certain options can be on the rest of your labor, and then using that understanding to make an informed decision that feels right for you.
4. Is it normal….to just do whatever my doctor tells me? After all, they’re the expert, right?
Well, yes AND no. They’re certainly experts in their own fields, which in the case of US hospital births, tends to be managing birth as a medical process (in most Pennsylvania and New Jersey, the epidural rate is upwards of 70%[1]). But they’re not an expert in you: your body, your coping mechanisms in challenging situations, your resolve. It’s vital to understand what your choices are in pregnancy and birth (because you always have choices, no matter how something might be presented to you!) and know the questions to ask to make sure you have a provider who is actively supportive of the kind of birth you want.
The bottom line is, it’s entirely normal to feel all of these common anxieties about pregnancy and birth, BUT there is tons you can do to take control of them and prepare yourself for the calm and confident birth that every birthing person deserves! If you’d like to know more, feel free to reach out for a chat or join one of my upcoming free workshops. I’d love to help you change your mind!
[1] JAMA Network Open. 2018. https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamanetworkopen/fullarticle/2719581?resultClick=3
